I have been exceedingly busy, with school and work and friends and plans and hopes and dreams and nightmares and reality and endings and beginnings and decisions new to my mind and decisions a long time coming. All in all, its been a busy summer and fall, and now winter is here, and my life has changed in so many ways since the spring and yet it remains the same in many ways too.
I read a book for one of my book clubs, entitled What Alice Forgot. It really spoke to me in a way most books don't. I won't spoil the whole storyline by detailing it, but it addressed what happens when someone loses 10 years of memory, and has to come to terms with who they have become in the intervening years without the benefit of remembering what inciting events led to the changes that they've made.
I also found myself relating to a certain character in the book that had fertility issues. She wanted a child so badly and couldn't have one and she was consumed by this. I don't have fertility issues. I do find myself in a position in my life where having a child is fast receding from my list of options. I'll be 34 this year. Not too late yet, but when I think of how haphazard my life is and how my finances sit on a shoestring and my house is in a constant state of renovation I don't even know how to begin to accomplish everything that I would need to do to be ready for a child, not to mention have a willing father on my hands.
10 years ago however, I didn't want children; had zero desire for them. What has changed, besides the obvious sound of ticking from my internal baby oven? Maybe now I think I would actually be a good mother. Maybe now I think that I can manage to not repeat most of my own mothers mistakes with my own children. Maybe now I know that I have a heart big enough to love forever unconditionally. Maybe now I know that the wisdom I have I could pass on, and benefit someone else. Or maybe its just the clock ticking, and me being afraid that this big lifetime hurdle will soon be out of reach altogether.
I can't be sure, because as long as my situation remains unsuitable to add a baby to the mix, its not even an option. And maybe deep down that's the obstacle. I want to be stable enough financially and relationship wise, for a baby decision to at least be viable. Because right now, I'm comparable to the infertile woman in that I CAN'T have a baby. It's painful to me, though I definitely admit that it's worse for someone who has the physical difficulty. I cannot even comprehend that pain, and I don't mean to downplay it at all. But I also CAN'T have a baby, I see no end in sight, no option for things to improve and for that to be an option. Adoption also is not an option for me because of the expense involved, and the lack of stability that surrounds me.
My 10 years ago self would be proud of me that I hadn't had a baby. She'd be pleased that I was careful and didn't get struck down by a 'surprise' that keeps on surprising you every day for the rest of your life. She'd be thrilled that I was in school and making excellent grades. She'd see my house and love it and see every bare wooden floor and scuffed up wall as an exciting challenge. I'm not 24 anymore. This house overwhelms me in its bleakness and need for repair, and the days I'm not overwhelmed by it I don't have enough money to get to work on it anyway.
So where am I going with all this? I'm not sure, I lost my train of thought somewhere back a paragraph or two ago. All I know that is my life is great, school is great, my friends are great, but there is still something unsettling in this place inside me that takes personal inventory periodically. Perhaps its feeling that nobody really gets me. I often feel like an outsider. I could've had my baby right now. I could have a very different life. Would I feel like an outsider even with my own child I wonder. Perhaps so. The best I can do is keep trudging along and trying to keep my head above water, and hope for a change in the wind.
I read a book for one of my book clubs, entitled What Alice Forgot. It really spoke to me in a way most books don't. I won't spoil the whole storyline by detailing it, but it addressed what happens when someone loses 10 years of memory, and has to come to terms with who they have become in the intervening years without the benefit of remembering what inciting events led to the changes that they've made.
I also found myself relating to a certain character in the book that had fertility issues. She wanted a child so badly and couldn't have one and she was consumed by this. I don't have fertility issues. I do find myself in a position in my life where having a child is fast receding from my list of options. I'll be 34 this year. Not too late yet, but when I think of how haphazard my life is and how my finances sit on a shoestring and my house is in a constant state of renovation I don't even know how to begin to accomplish everything that I would need to do to be ready for a child, not to mention have a willing father on my hands.
10 years ago however, I didn't want children; had zero desire for them. What has changed, besides the obvious sound of ticking from my internal baby oven? Maybe now I think I would actually be a good mother. Maybe now I think that I can manage to not repeat most of my own mothers mistakes with my own children. Maybe now I know that I have a heart big enough to love forever unconditionally. Maybe now I know that the wisdom I have I could pass on, and benefit someone else. Or maybe its just the clock ticking, and me being afraid that this big lifetime hurdle will soon be out of reach altogether.
I can't be sure, because as long as my situation remains unsuitable to add a baby to the mix, its not even an option. And maybe deep down that's the obstacle. I want to be stable enough financially and relationship wise, for a baby decision to at least be viable. Because right now, I'm comparable to the infertile woman in that I CAN'T have a baby. It's painful to me, though I definitely admit that it's worse for someone who has the physical difficulty. I cannot even comprehend that pain, and I don't mean to downplay it at all. But I also CAN'T have a baby, I see no end in sight, no option for things to improve and for that to be an option. Adoption also is not an option for me because of the expense involved, and the lack of stability that surrounds me.
My 10 years ago self would be proud of me that I hadn't had a baby. She'd be pleased that I was careful and didn't get struck down by a 'surprise' that keeps on surprising you every day for the rest of your life. She'd be thrilled that I was in school and making excellent grades. She'd see my house and love it and see every bare wooden floor and scuffed up wall as an exciting challenge. I'm not 24 anymore. This house overwhelms me in its bleakness and need for repair, and the days I'm not overwhelmed by it I don't have enough money to get to work on it anyway.
So where am I going with all this? I'm not sure, I lost my train of thought somewhere back a paragraph or two ago. All I know that is my life is great, school is great, my friends are great, but there is still something unsettling in this place inside me that takes personal inventory periodically. Perhaps its feeling that nobody really gets me. I often feel like an outsider. I could've had my baby right now. I could have a very different life. Would I feel like an outsider even with my own child I wonder. Perhaps so. The best I can do is keep trudging along and trying to keep my head above water, and hope for a change in the wind.
