I have been experiencing recent battles with anxiety. Including pretty much the last 5 years, but it's been growing steadily worse since my Dad died 3 years ago and then in the last 6 months especially. Tears were a daily occurrence. Hysterics weekly. Stress all day every day, whether there was any real cause for stress or not. Panic attacks arrived out of the blue and then vanished just as suddenly. Second guessing myself was routine. Guilt was overwhelming, most especially when whatever making me feel guilty was quite obviously not my fault. Concentration was impossible, sleep completely out of the question.
20 days ago my doctor put me on Laxapro, and Xanax. I immediately had a panic attack, and took a Xanax. Seems funny to me now that the mere fact that I had a Xanax prescription written for me made me feel more stressed out instead of less. Xanax prescribed to someone else is a routine necessary medication for a chemical imbalance or a stressful period in life where extra assistance is needed. Xanax prescribed for me meant I was crazy. Even while I told myself the ridiculousness of this faulty logic I couldn't adjust my reasoning for anything. Until the Lexapro kicked in.
All I can say is- WOW. 20 days into this medical regimen of 1 little Lexapro pill daily, I can already tell a huge difference. I am actually sleeping at night. I don't think I have ever slept at night, my entire life. Even as a child I remember having trouble sleeping, counting thousands of sheep and eventually when I was older just giving up at 3 am and reading a book instead of continuing to lie with my hands folded and my eyes shut just...thinking. That's what it always was. A constant flow of thought traffic through my head. A song stuck in my head that no amount of jumping numbered sheep could dislodge. A replay of an occurrence from that day that kept replaying itself in my head unasked that no amount of zen-like 'OOOHHHMS' could throw from my thoughts. My brain, for as long as I can remember, has been going 150MPH. And going nowhere. I lay in bed every single night at a reasonable time and usually spend 8-10 hours in that bed 'sleeping', but honestly I have probably been getting 4-5 hours of sleep most nights. So now, my druggie self sleeps like a log every night. And perhaps that's also a part of why I was so stressed. No matter what time I went to bed, I was always tired, and thus always overwhelmed.
Now that I am sleeping...everything else seems to be falling into place. Little things no longer stress me out. I am now content when I have done my best that i couldn't have somehow squeezed out some kind of superhuman strength to accomplish more than I did. I can CONCENTRATE for the first time in ages. I realized that I am moving more slowly than I used to, but accomplishing just as much. Because I am more focused. And not getting stressed keeps me concentrating on the job at hand. Professionally and personally I am thriving.
I wish I didn't have to be on medicine. I wish I could have the ability to sleep and be realistic and reasonable without the aid of chemicals. However, now that I know how my life can improve from these medicines, I could never go back to what I was. That person, that stressed, frantic, crying, overwhelmed person- that was NOT me. I felt every day that I wasn't ME. And today, for the first time in more years than I can count, I am comfortable in my own skin. I've had flashes of what this should feel like over the years, good days when things looked rosy and possible. But this is hanging with me, and I like it. And even if it takes the drugs, I will stay here.
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