Shank Carving Day

  Recently, all seriousness aside, I acted on my lifelong curiosity regarding the growing art of Shank carving. Too much Tru TV I’m sure contributed to this morbid curiosity. Especially considering the inane and seemingly harmless items used to make these horrifying instruments of death. Actually, on Tru TV it seemed people rarely died from their shank attacks, but that just fueled my ghoulish inquisitiveness .  I work in a dental office, and multiple times a day supply the #1 instrument of shank terror, the dreaded toothbrush, indiscriminately to young and old alike. Am I fueling a growing fire? Should I invent an uncarveable toothbrush to dispense to everyone 18 years of age and younger? How exactly does one carve a shank? All of these questions I felt deserved to be investigated.

  I started by choosing my favorite color toothbrush of course. Then I sent out an informal invite via facebook to see if I could perhaps create a shank carving event for other shank-curious individuals. There was much mockery, much surprise, a few cries of approval, but mostly silence.  It turns out even discussing carving a shank makes you top dog in the big house. Storing that info away in the ‘hope I never use this’ file.

  When I got home and properly researched shank carving procedure and etiquette, sharpening the toothbrush handle slowly and carefully against pretty much anything that will eventually wear and shape into as sharp an edge as possible. Well, they have nothing but time on their hands.  I on the other hand was celebrating shank carving day by myself and had to run errands that afternoon so I had to speed things along if possible. From there came the decision to use a box cutter to carve my shank. I was asked why I needed the shank if I had a box cutter handy.  Well, the experience was for educational purposes, not self defense.  If I’m ever in a knife fight, I would certainly trust that box cutter more than the shank I made, but I digress.

  I wasn’t aware but found out quickly that my boss in his infinite care for his patients and wisdom buys high quality toothbrushes. They actually have quite a thick cushion for maximum grip comfort when brushing, and maximum annoyance when shank carving. As you can see I had to totally remove this harmless, flexible strip from my toothbrush before it could even think about becoming a killing machine.  And even with the strip removed, it looked far from alarming. I had my work ‘cut out’ for me.

  The box cutter, as quite a sharp tool, was surprisingly inadequate at carving this hard plastic! I expected this to be easy. I mean, if a prisoner can sharpen a shank against a concrete wall for 6 months surely I should be able to take a box cutter to a toothbrush and create a work of art in less than 6 minutes, right? WRONG! Within 10 minutes my confidence was fading. Within 20 minutes my hands were sore. Within 30 minutes I was wishing I never started and knew I’d never get quite the respectable dangerous shank I’d always wanted to create. It was somewhat of a disappointment.

  Then I poked myself in the palm, like so.

OUCH! I definitely couldn’t do oral surgery, or any type of surgery, with this shank. But it made me wince! My spirits lifted. I ripped up an old sock and yes even used a ponytail holder to attach it, because every shank needs a good grip.  I’m cleaning up the mess of tiny shards of hard plastic and feeling pretty good about my shank carving experience on the whole. All things considered though, I’d rather stay out of prison. I’d rather remain non-violent. I’d rather spend 6 months or 6 weeks or 6 days or 6 minutes working on worthwhile goals, instead of being a scared person, in a dark cell, spending all that time, energy, creative fancy, and most of all patience, on constructing a weapon.  I think that at the end of the day, I’ll listen to the advice of my toothbrush- “USE FUZZY END”.