5 Guys Burgers

   All I wanted was a burger. Admittedly, it was a burger I didn’t need and money that could have been better spent. But I wanted it, so there it was. I’d worked all day; I’d sat for 2 hours in algebra class, I wanted, no, NEEDED a burger. So I went for it. From 5 Guys Burgers and Fries, of course the best burger place ever. I thought when I pulled up that I really wish they’d get a drive through window, but stuck with my decision and went inside. And my day changed.

   Behind the counter was a familiar face, a face from my past, a face from a not-so-good part of my past. Not an ex-boyfriend, but something that wrenched my soul even deeper. A face from 18 years ago; a face I never ever expected to see again and could never have even guessed how I would react to. My reaction; I burst into tears. Yes, at the counter of the 5 Guys Burgers and Fries joint, I cried like I’d just lost a loved one. Because, honestly, that’s exactly how my heart felt in that instant.

   The face behind the counter, that face I had never imagined seeing again, was the face of my older brother’s best friend. That statement makes my reaction seem overly dramatic, except for the fact that my older brother, Kevin, killed himself nearly 20 years ago. I still cry regularly, missing my brother, hating that he’s missing my life, hating he missed out on his, having so much to tell him and knowing if he was still here he’d know more than me so I wouldn’t have to tell him anything.

   It amazes me that even with a lapse of 19 years I so easily recognized Kevin’s friend, John. Years go by, we all get older, we all get wiser, and I am glad I had the chance to see him and interact with him as an adult, with my own thoughts and opinions. The honest truth, I love this man. Even though I never really knew him except as my Brother’s friend; because he was a big part of Kevin’s life, and looking at his life now I can imagine what Kevin’s life could’ve been like by now.

   John has an amazing family that he is so obviously proud of and I enjoy looking at his family photos, thanks to facebook for making that possible. There’s a part of me that wants to ask him every question I can possibly think of about Kevin, what he was like, what happened. But mostly, I just want to get to know him. As an adult, on my own, getting to have someone else in my life that cared for Kevin as I did, and who is willing to talk about him.

   Kevin’s life, and death, is a taboo subject in my family. For some because it’s so hurtful, for some because they feel guilty, a few just have a problem facing reality. My mother twists and turns the story and makes up random reasons and then believes her own explanations. John talked more openly, honestly, and feelingly about Kevin in a 15 minute conversation than I have ever heard from any of my family. I want more of that. I want a friendship with this person. Not based on the past; but based on who we are now, as adults. Here’s to John, who made me cry while making my day.